a final solution for the 12th Man quandary

I wrote this a few days ago, when the 12th Man dispute was semi-relevant, and tacked on a few sentences at the end today. The issue itself remains, of course, ridiculous. I don't really care to reformat it, and will readily admit that its style owes a lot to Jeff Johnson, who is far better at this kind of thing than I:

Let's settle this WWF style and have a cage match game at Kyle for the rights in perpetuity, SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY. Only its Aggie fans versus Seattle fans - 12th Men v. 12th Men. And it starts out as a really disorganized two-hand touch football game with way too many players and devolves into a riot, and the band plays "The Final Countdown" the whole time, and in the stands? Players from both squads watch the people who cheer for them maul each other. Shaun Alexander and Reggie McNeal share a chuckle over peanuts and Coke while on the 50 yard line that fat kid with the bitch tits from the Aggie basketball games sumo wrestles a kindly old diabetic from Tacoma, Wash. The codger's heart fails just before impact and the kid is forced to wear some sort of shirt at all times for the rest of his life. It makes showering and intimacy difficult, but it turns out that these are not new problems for the young man.